Dust

Sometimes I feel I am getting left behind.
This world moves much too fast.
The days bleed together like a mess of melted crayons.
I am still on the previous page
and a new chapter is already beginning.

All my efforts turn to dust
While those who have hurt me find their place.
They find salvation and I am left with nothing
only a fistful of broken dreams and battered memories.
When will it be my turn?

I have tried too hard and cried too much
and still it is not over.
Why should they be rewarded for what they've done?
While I am left here wanting,
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Sometimes this life is just too much
I cannot feel anything anymore
I cannot pretend to be happy if this smile feels so false
I have nothing to give you, so stop asking.
One day there will be sunshine
but today there is only dust.

Heart & Soul

My Soul is filled with wandering blood lust
I knew I should have never let you go
Who were you when I was looking for gold?
Found the rainbow but no magic.

It hurts to breathe in this place
My heart is dying living in this life
We all need more attention.
I'm sorry I never showed you how I felt.

Foothills in the distance scream of forgotten adventure
This is not what it was suppose to be.
How can I possibly survive here?
I think I'll need another drink.

Please tell me it's not too late, that it's not all gone to the wayside
Please tell me there will be more if I wake up tomorrow
I'll be a good girl, I promise
Although probably not.

My soul is dying in this place
Paralyzed by stagnant inefficiency
This is not what it was suppose to be
My heart bleeds for something more.
Please tell me there will be more.
There must be something more.

Ode to the ones I meet in a Bar

Hanging on
to the edge of the world
by the blade of steel
you say is bad for me
you say, don't do that honey,
don't.

You will never feel as real
as the shit I put up my nose
when I was fifteen
and didn't know the world
the way I know it now
it will never get any more true
for me.
It will never get any deeper.

You are just a byproduct
of my pain
of everything that came before you
and will continue to leak
into my heart
and poison my soul with blackness
damn you
Leave me alone.

In this moment there is something golden,
something tried and true.
I will always stand guard against my heart
For the one I wish to occupy it's chambers
is out on a mission alone.
I will always love you.
Goodnight my darling
god speed.

For you.

Encounters with Strangers

Motorcycles in the night
and perfume that doesn't smell like mine
Who would have figured
drinking to excess
and random men
wouldn't make me feel better
fuck you all.

He told me I looked like an Irish girl,
with my eyes and curls,
who had lost her freckles
and swam a thousand miles
to get them back
how sweet.

There is never enough
at the end of the night.
it doesn't seem right,
and you are not the one.
In fact, you are just hurting me
Please stop.
There is a lot to tread carefully
don't tread on me.
I'm already broken.

This will never end. 

Haunting in an L.A. Hotel

This hotel is old, and it creaks at night.
There is a hole in the wall by the window
letting in a draft.
The L.A. air as tainted as my soul.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.
Sometimes the living are more haunting than the dead.

You should be here
you would love it in the morning light.
I can almost feel you next to me,
crumpling the sheets beside me
but you are miles away.

Her perfume lingers in the bathroom
alongside the ruffled towels
and cheap hotel soaps.
I can still taste her on my lips
and smell the absinthe.

There are so many things I long to say to you,
need to say to you,
but instead I whisper endlessly to empty walls and ghosts.
Sometimes it feels like I will never breathe again.

I never knew I needed you
until you left me alone,
abandoned me out in the cold with my heart in my hands in pieces.
I don't know how to live without you.
Feels like I never will.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.

Late

I may be in possession
of something that is half yours
and you have changed your mind.
Your feelings for me have gone
out the window like so must dust in the wind
You are not the man I thought you were
and I am broken in two
crushed by the weight of your indifference
there is no greater pain than this
abandonment in a most offensive manner
I am not well
you tell me
I am all kinds of things
But it is you, you say, not me.

You do not know me, yet
you peer into my soul
and find all the cracks you cannot live with
and spell each one out as if I were not already aware.
You are the cruelest of men
and I a fool for trusting your pretty words.
I did not pretend when I met you
to be something I was not
I do not pretend still
And it makes no difference.

You have abused the most sacred of places
found all my deepest wounds
and poured salt into them
and I will never forgive you for it
In time I may learn to forgive myself
and in that I will find solace.

Lying in Wait

Sometimes emotion can be paralyzing
frog stomps and weeds
in the backyard bushes
breezes blow through the rafters
in the attic of a mind long forgotten
a heart in constant pain
can never heal
Fuck you too
In all your high and mighty
all your pretty words
that add up to nothing
you speak and I do not hear
there is no meaning in the rhythm of your soul
I have shut you out.

All a bunch of dancing phonies
ripping beautiful things apart
with your unworthy hands
out of jealousy
or spite
or simply because you do not know
what you do
You're all stupid creatures
Stupid in your mistreatment of your fellow man
Do not breathe on me
or taint me with your air
I do not want to be like you.