Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

Learning to Move On

Some days there is not much to say.
My heart is full of sounds for which there are no words.
I can feel the lines around my eyes
and I say to myself,
Baby girl, why are you so stressed out?
I do not have an answer.

This town is not the same without you,
It has lost its color,
It's vibrant appeal.
I am left to pioneer its streets alone.
I never expected not to know you,
never expected across the street
could be so far away.

All the things we felt and did and said
lost forever in obscurity.
Did I mean anything to you?
Did I dream it all and wake to an alternate reality
where I am the sole protagonist in a story I thought was ours?
Perhaps I'll never know.
Perhaps in time my heart will find the words
to tell you how I feel.
It will not make a difference.

In time my body will learn to move
through the gelatin created by the pain in my soul.
My heart will not be so heavy,
my eyes will smile along with my mouth,
My meaning will come easier,
But I will not know your name.

Late

I may be in possession
of something that is half yours
and you have changed your mind.
Your feelings for me have gone
out the window like so must dust in the wind
You are not the man I thought you were
and I am broken in two
crushed by the weight of your indifference
there is no greater pain than this
abandonment in a most offensive manner
I am not well
you tell me
I am all kinds of things
But it is you, you say, not me.

You do not know me, yet
you peer into my soul
and find all the cracks you cannot live with
and spell each one out as if I were not already aware.
You are the cruelest of men
and I a fool for trusting your pretty words.
I did not pretend when I met you
to be something I was not
I do not pretend still
And it makes no difference.

You have abused the most sacred of places
found all my deepest wounds
and poured salt into them
and I will never forgive you for it
In time I may learn to forgive myself
and in that I will find solace.

(Not so) Brief Update

I am writing today from my new home, in beautiful, sunny San Diego, California.  The last few months have been a whirlwind for me.  Here's a brief summary:

About a week before Christmas I decided to fly home to the San Francisco Bay Area to be with my family.  For those that don't know, I was living near Boston, MA at the time.  This trip was last minute, on a whim, and originally planned to be about a week.

I had $100 to my name, but figured it would be better to be broke with my family in California than broke and alone in New England. So onto the plane I went.

Whilst in California, I got an opportunity to do some contract work and make a little money.  WooHoo!  So I stayed.

Once I realized I might be in the Golden State for a few weeks, I organized a trip to Southern California to do some artistic modeling work.  I had a great time in Venice Beach, Santa Monica, and downtown Los Angeles.  After a few days, I took a jaunt down to San Diego, which was meant to be for a weekend and (noticing a theme here?) turned into two weeks.  I loved San Diego; I felt at peace for the first time in a long time, and thus decided to stay.  Which meant driving back up to the SF Bay Area, and then flying back to Boston to pack up, give away, or sell the 3-bedroom apartment's worth of stuff I had laying in wait back in the North East. 

I won't bore you with the details of that, except to say it's been quite a journey.  I rented a U-Haul trailer, loaded up what remained of my stuff, including my two lovely cats, and on Sunday, February 26, 2012 at around 2:00 p.m. set out on what would be a 5 day drive to Southern California. 

My chosen route took me through CT, NY, NJ, and into PA to connect with I-81 South through MD, WV, and Virginia. Then onto I-40 West through Tennessee and into Arkansas, where I connected to I-30 West through Dallas, TX, which turns into I-20 through west Texas, then connects to I-10 through El Paso.  I stayed on I-10 West through New Mexico, into Arizona, then transferred to I-8 West, passing through Yuma, crossing the state line into California and FINALLY landing in San Diego at the end of the 5th day.  I chose to stop at night to give myself and the cats a rest.  I also picked up a hitchhiker in Tennessee (pictured below), who was stuck in the sewer at a rest stop along I-40.  I am glad to say she is happy and healthy, and has integrated well into my clan.

Now, U-Haul unpacked and returned, and beautiful vintage Spanish-style apartment slowly coming together, here I sit, enjoying the sunshine and lovely people of Southern California, and busting my bum to find a job.  I am looking for work as a technical writer, marketing communications specialist, business analyst, or creative writer/editor for newspaper or other publication.  If anyone has any job leads in or near San Diego, I'm all ears.

Until next time, thanks for stopping by!