Marbles

A girl will never forget the times you let her down.
She will collect them
like marbles in a glass jar
to pull out on rainy days
when she is feeling not so sure
and loot at
and say, "Look how many marbles in there."
He must not love me.
How could he?
With that many marbles.
No matter how much time passes
or how many things you do right
It won't take those marbles away.
It won't dry her tears
or erase the memories of painful nights
and lonely mornings.
of things you never did
or promises unkept.
Countless good deed can never undo
the 1,423 things you did wrong.

Office

I knew things were going downhill when they painted the walls gray,
ripped out the carpet
and replaced it with something that looks like it belongs on the seat backs of a greyhound bus.
Remodeling, they called it.
Improvements.
Doesn't it look great?
Gray walls.
Gray cubes.
Gray carpet.
Gray
Everywhere you look.
And this is supposed to boost morale?
But don't spill anything on it
or put your feet on the freshly painted walls.
They remind us to smile when we're on the phones.
"When you're smiling people can tell that you enjoy the work you do."
When you're smiling people can't feel the pain in your soul.
Smile so they know you're happy.
Smile even if you don't feel like it.
"Keep a beautiful picture of a child by the phone - any child will do."
If you don't have a child you can borrow someone else's.
And pin it on your gray cube.
Also pin the propaganda reminding you to smile
so that Leader knows he's in control.
Smile and they'll never know how much you hate this.
How you can't wait to leave.
How you joke that they have turned the building into a prison,
even more so than it was before,
no windows,
no airflow,
no sunshine,
and now gray walls,
A joke that was funny only it doesn't feel like a joke anymore.
How do I get out of here?
Help me.
But don't forget to smile.

Rat Race

Running
Running
Faster
blood pumping
feeling sick
Keep up
Keep going
Just a little more
Keep running
and running
and running
and falling further and further behind
is this even the right race?
I can't see the finish line
how much further?
Keep going
can't breathe
so tired
knees hurt
getting old
water
need water
stop for water
Catch breath
Can't catch breath
too much
further behind
not strong enough
shoes are old
need new shoes
Run
Keep running
Faster
Harder
keeping pushing and it will come
it will get easier
hurt less
Just keep going
can't see the way
pretty sure this is the wrong path
must have gotten off course
wilderness is tough terrain
Keep running
just keep running
wrong direction
Can't turn back.

Halloween

Taking some time to reflect on the events that took place this time last year, Halloween night to be specific, and the events that followed thereafter. If you are not privy to the inside details of said events, I'll summarize: a brief but amazing whirlwind of love and lust and joy followed by an incredible and unwarranted heartbreak.

It's amazing how even the things that seem irreparable are eventually buried into the past with all the other things, and with enough time a great enough distance is put between you and them that is impossible for the pain to reach through.  Still, looking back, it feels like you should feel something, it feels important to acknowledge that you should feel something, even if only to realize that you are, in fact, still alive.

I am continuously reminded that all of life is just that: life. It is beautiful, and messy, and weird, and hard, and inspiring, and amazing, and fun, and, with any luck, bizarre. It's all a piece of the journey, another page in the book that may or may not be important to moving the plot along.  Never take anything too seriously or too lightly, but rather accept everything for what it is, even if you may not know what it is at the time.  Some things we never learn the reason behind. That's okay.

Looking back, I am glad to be where I am, and grateful for all the things.

Happy Halloween!

Nostalgic

I have had so many different lives in this life. So many pockets of invention and reinvention, lined with beautiful, bitter-sweet memories.

I have loved them all, and often miss the people and places and different versions of me.

The life I miss the most is the 2-year pocket in Kansas. I was 17, and my life was just beginning (although I didn't know it at the time). So much laughter and joy and innocent (and not-so-innocent) fun was had in college dorm-rooms and back country farm roads. 

Even though I was struggling a lot at the time to balance my emotions and survive the growing pains of self discovery, I often look back at that time as ideal. I never knew how much those dusty flatlands would take hold of my soul.

There is a version of me somewhere out there, dancing in the fields. If you see her be sure to say hi.

Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

Heart & Soul

My Soul is filled with wandering blood lust
I knew I should have never let you go
Who were you when I was looking for gold?
Found the rainbow but no magic.

It hurts to breathe in this place
My heart is dying living in this life
We all need more attention.
I'm sorry I never showed you how I felt.

Foothills in the distance scream of forgotten adventure
This is not what it was suppose to be.
How can I possibly survive here?
I think I'll need another drink.

Please tell me it's not too late, that it's not all gone to the wayside
Please tell me there will be more if I wake up tomorrow
I'll be a good girl, I promise
Although probably not.

My soul is dying in this place
Paralyzed by stagnant inefficiency
This is not what it was suppose to be
My heart bleeds for something more.
Please tell me there will be more.
There must be something more.

Time Marches On

I have lived a thousand years in this life
And it's all gone by in a blink.
I looked away for a moment and 10 years passed
sneaky devils they are.

Every moment a lifetime,
Every lifetime a moment
Where will it go from here?
On what vast plain will these faded moments land?
What is to become of all our blood and sweat and tears?

A thousand years of story in one withered page.
A single note for a symphony.
A life flying by without recourse or conviction.
All of this is part of it.
None of it means anything.

Days I'll never get back.
Where will the next page take us?
One drop of water filling a single cup.
A waterfall is not enough.
None of it is ever enough.
It is all too much.
We cannot hold all the burdens of our lives.

Where have we gone my friends?
Our youth and soul and future all blending into one inconceivable mess.
When will we meet again?
We had such high hopes when we set out on this road
before us long and without end.
The sun is hot and fades our colors out.

We will never know if any of this has meaning.
we will never get it back.
Time will break us down into a scrap book of moments.
Where will it go from here?
Where will it end?

Ode to the ones I meet in a Bar

Hanging on
to the edge of the world
by the blade of steel
you say is bad for me
you say, don't do that honey,
don't.

You will never feel as real
as the shit I put up my nose
when I was fifteen
and didn't know the world
the way I know it now
it will never get any more true
for me.
It will never get any deeper.

You are just a byproduct
of my pain
of everything that came before you
and will continue to leak
into my heart
and poison my soul with blackness
damn you
Leave me alone.

In this moment there is something golden,
something tried and true.
I will always stand guard against my heart
For the one I wish to occupy it's chambers
is out on a mission alone.
I will always love you.
Goodnight my darling
god speed.

For you.

Encounters with Strangers

Motorcycles in the night
and perfume that doesn't smell like mine
Who would have figured
drinking to excess
and random men
wouldn't make me feel better
fuck you all.

He told me I looked like an Irish girl,
with my eyes and curls,
who had lost her freckles
and swam a thousand miles
to get them back
how sweet.

There is never enough
at the end of the night.
it doesn't seem right,
and you are not the one.
In fact, you are just hurting me
Please stop.
There is a lot to tread carefully
don't tread on me.
I'm already broken.

This will never end. 

Haunting in an L.A. Hotel

This hotel is old, and it creaks at night.
There is a hole in the wall by the window
letting in a draft.
The L.A. air as tainted as my soul.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.
Sometimes the living are more haunting than the dead.

You should be here
you would love it in the morning light.
I can almost feel you next to me,
crumpling the sheets beside me
but you are miles away.

Her perfume lingers in the bathroom
alongside the ruffled towels
and cheap hotel soaps.
I can still taste her on my lips
and smell the absinthe.

There are so many things I long to say to you,
need to say to you,
but instead I whisper endlessly to empty walls and ghosts.
Sometimes it feels like I will never breathe again.

I never knew I needed you
until you left me alone,
abandoned me out in the cold with my heart in my hands in pieces.
I don't know how to live without you.
Feels like I never will.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.

Learning to Move On

Some days there is not much to say.
My heart is full of sounds for which there are no words.
I can feel the lines around my eyes
and I say to myself,
Baby girl, why are you so stressed out?
I do not have an answer.

This town is not the same without you,
It has lost its color,
It's vibrant appeal.
I am left to pioneer its streets alone.
I never expected not to know you,
never expected across the street
could be so far away.

All the things we felt and did and said
lost forever in obscurity.
Did I mean anything to you?
Did I dream it all and wake to an alternate reality
where I am the sole protagonist in a story I thought was ours?
Perhaps I'll never know.
Perhaps in time my heart will find the words
to tell you how I feel.
It will not make a difference.

In time my body will learn to move
through the gelatin created by the pain in my soul.
My heart will not be so heavy,
my eyes will smile along with my mouth,
My meaning will come easier,
But I will not know your name.

Soul Movement

If there is no art is your soul
then I do not dare to know you.
I do not dare to speak your name
for my lips may lose their meaning.
I do not dare to touch your skin
for my fingers may lose feeling.
I do not dare look into your eyes
for mine may stop crying.
I do not dare I do not dare
You may take something from me.
There is no life but this
there is nothing we can do
Save each other from the wreckage
of a thousand aimless ships
and hold on to our truth.

I will only speak to you
in a language you cannot understand
and you will know my meaning still
through the movement of my passions.
There is no other life but this
there is no point in trying
If there is no art for you
then there is nothing. 

Late

I may be in possession
of something that is half yours
and you have changed your mind.
Your feelings for me have gone
out the window like so must dust in the wind
You are not the man I thought you were
and I am broken in two
crushed by the weight of your indifference
there is no greater pain than this
abandonment in a most offensive manner
I am not well
you tell me
I am all kinds of things
But it is you, you say, not me.

You do not know me, yet
you peer into my soul
and find all the cracks you cannot live with
and spell each one out as if I were not already aware.
You are the cruelest of men
and I a fool for trusting your pretty words.
I did not pretend when I met you
to be something I was not
I do not pretend still
And it makes no difference.

You have abused the most sacred of places
found all my deepest wounds
and poured salt into them
and I will never forgive you for it
In time I may learn to forgive myself
and in that I will find solace.

Lying in Wait

Sometimes emotion can be paralyzing
frog stomps and weeds
in the backyard bushes
breezes blow through the rafters
in the attic of a mind long forgotten
a heart in constant pain
can never heal
Fuck you too
In all your high and mighty
all your pretty words
that add up to nothing
you speak and I do not hear
there is no meaning in the rhythm of your soul
I have shut you out.

All a bunch of dancing phonies
ripping beautiful things apart
with your unworthy hands
out of jealousy
or spite
or simply because you do not know
what you do
You're all stupid creatures
Stupid in your mistreatment of your fellow man
Do not breathe on me
or taint me with your air
I do not want to be like you.