Marbles

A girl will never forget the times you let her down.
She will collect them
like marbles in a glass jar
to pull out on rainy days
when she is feeling not so sure
and loot at
and say, "Look how many marbles in there."
He must not love me.
How could he?
With that many marbles.
No matter how much time passes
or how many things you do right
It won't take those marbles away.
It won't dry her tears
or erase the memories of painful nights
and lonely mornings.
of things you never did
or promises unkept.
Countless good deed can never undo
the 1,423 things you did wrong.

Office

I knew things were going downhill when they painted the walls gray,
ripped out the carpet
and replaced it with something that looks like it belongs on the seat backs of a greyhound bus.
Remodeling, they called it.
Improvements.
Doesn't it look great?
Gray walls.
Gray cubes.
Gray carpet.
Gray
Everywhere you look.
And this is supposed to boost morale?
But don't spill anything on it
or put your feet on the freshly painted walls.
They remind us to smile when we're on the phones.
"When you're smiling people can tell that you enjoy the work you do."
When you're smiling people can't feel the pain in your soul.
Smile so they know you're happy.
Smile even if you don't feel like it.
"Keep a beautiful picture of a child by the phone - any child will do."
If you don't have a child you can borrow someone else's.
And pin it on your gray cube.
Also pin the propaganda reminding you to smile
so that Leader knows he's in control.
Smile and they'll never know how much you hate this.
How you can't wait to leave.
How you joke that they have turned the building into a prison,
even more so than it was before,
no windows,
no airflow,
no sunshine,
and now gray walls,
A joke that was funny only it doesn't feel like a joke anymore.
How do I get out of here?
Help me.
But don't forget to smile.

Bar Room Brigade

Original piece written 7/30/07

We are all suffering together, alone
in this bar
We buy each other drinks
and make jokes
and go home dying.

We should reach out, but instead
We are breeding a generation
with scars on our arms we don't talk about
and we can't look each other in the eye
We want to scream but hold it in
we are awkward in our movements
and bad at relationships
We are confused by adult live
and everything that comes with it
We are searching for our golden ticket
Our promise to a better live than this
But there are no more chocolate bars
Or maybe there are
but no one has the ambition to find one.

Rat Race

Running
Running
Faster
blood pumping
feeling sick
Keep up
Keep going
Just a little more
Keep running
and running
and running
and falling further and further behind
is this even the right race?
I can't see the finish line
how much further?
Keep going
can't breathe
so tired
knees hurt
getting old
water
need water
stop for water
Catch breath
Can't catch breath
too much
further behind
not strong enough
shoes are old
need new shoes
Run
Keep running
Faster
Harder
keeping pushing and it will come
it will get easier
hurt less
Just keep going
can't see the way
pretty sure this is the wrong path
must have gotten off course
wilderness is tough terrain
Keep running
just keep running
wrong direction
Can't turn back.

San Diego Dreaming

The palms are lazy to the fact that inside the buildings there are people living, and working, and dreaming who don't see them, nor are aware of their being.

No one should stress in Southern California.
The beaches are ready and waiting to absorb your stories and tell you theirs.
The air is warm but sometimes dry.
Sometimes it's so dry that newspapers curl up at the corners and it hurts to breathe.
Santa Ana winds are no joke, ask Joan Didion.

On every corner is fruit, or coffee, or alcohol, or Mexican roadside tacos.
Suntans and painted toes rules the sidewalks.
Gyms and Wellness Centers and Yoga Studios run the streets and glitter in the ever present sunlight.
Cars never die because they do not rust,
rather the roads beat them to pieces
and the gas prices keep their tanks low.

We are all fighting for the same jobs,
jobs that pay us like the cost of living is low
and treat us like we can be bought and sold.
Some of us choose to surf instead
or start our own consulting service or operate a Food Truck.
Some of us live on orange juice and smiles.

We all come here with big dreams seem to grow stagnant in the sun.
Or maybe we were born here and simply never left.
We get caught up in traffic and happy hour martinis and organic foods and living expenses
and forget to open up our eyes, enjoy the Palms lining the streets, and just breathe.
We are San Diego.

Dust

Sometimes I feel I am getting left behind.
This world moves much too fast.
The days bleed together like a mess of melted crayons.
I am still on the previous page
and a new chapter is already beginning.

All my efforts turn to dust
While those who have hurt me find their place.
They find salvation and I am left with nothing
only a fistful of broken dreams and battered memories.
When will it be my turn?

I have tried too hard and cried too much
and still it is not over.
Why should they be rewarded for what they've done?
While I am left here wanting,
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Sometimes this life is just too much
I cannot feel anything anymore
I cannot pretend to be happy if this smile feels so false
I have nothing to give you, so stop asking.
One day there will be sunshine
but today there is only dust.

Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

Heart & Soul

My Soul is filled with wandering blood lust
I knew I should have never let you go
Who were you when I was looking for gold?
Found the rainbow but no magic.

It hurts to breathe in this place
My heart is dying living in this life
We all need more attention.
I'm sorry I never showed you how I felt.

Foothills in the distance scream of forgotten adventure
This is not what it was suppose to be.
How can I possibly survive here?
I think I'll need another drink.

Please tell me it's not too late, that it's not all gone to the wayside
Please tell me there will be more if I wake up tomorrow
I'll be a good girl, I promise
Although probably not.

My soul is dying in this place
Paralyzed by stagnant inefficiency
This is not what it was suppose to be
My heart bleeds for something more.
Please tell me there will be more.
There must be something more.

Time Marches On

I have lived a thousand years in this life
And it's all gone by in a blink.
I looked away for a moment and 10 years passed
sneaky devils they are.

Every moment a lifetime,
Every lifetime a moment
Where will it go from here?
On what vast plain will these faded moments land?
What is to become of all our blood and sweat and tears?

A thousand years of story in one withered page.
A single note for a symphony.
A life flying by without recourse or conviction.
All of this is part of it.
None of it means anything.

Days I'll never get back.
Where will the next page take us?
One drop of water filling a single cup.
A waterfall is not enough.
None of it is ever enough.
It is all too much.
We cannot hold all the burdens of our lives.

Where have we gone my friends?
Our youth and soul and future all blending into one inconceivable mess.
When will we meet again?
We had such high hopes when we set out on this road
before us long and without end.
The sun is hot and fades our colors out.

We will never know if any of this has meaning.
we will never get it back.
Time will break us down into a scrap book of moments.
Where will it go from here?
Where will it end?

Ode to the ones I meet in a Bar

Hanging on
to the edge of the world
by the blade of steel
you say is bad for me
you say, don't do that honey,
don't.

You will never feel as real
as the shit I put up my nose
when I was fifteen
and didn't know the world
the way I know it now
it will never get any more true
for me.
It will never get any deeper.

You are just a byproduct
of my pain
of everything that came before you
and will continue to leak
into my heart
and poison my soul with blackness
damn you
Leave me alone.

In this moment there is something golden,
something tried and true.
I will always stand guard against my heart
For the one I wish to occupy it's chambers
is out on a mission alone.
I will always love you.
Goodnight my darling
god speed.

For you.

Encounters with Strangers

Motorcycles in the night
and perfume that doesn't smell like mine
Who would have figured
drinking to excess
and random men
wouldn't make me feel better
fuck you all.

He told me I looked like an Irish girl,
with my eyes and curls,
who had lost her freckles
and swam a thousand miles
to get them back
how sweet.

There is never enough
at the end of the night.
it doesn't seem right,
and you are not the one.
In fact, you are just hurting me
Please stop.
There is a lot to tread carefully
don't tread on me.
I'm already broken.

This will never end. 

Haunting in an L.A. Hotel

This hotel is old, and it creaks at night.
There is a hole in the wall by the window
letting in a draft.
The L.A. air as tainted as my soul.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.
Sometimes the living are more haunting than the dead.

You should be here
you would love it in the morning light.
I can almost feel you next to me,
crumpling the sheets beside me
but you are miles away.

Her perfume lingers in the bathroom
alongside the ruffled towels
and cheap hotel soaps.
I can still taste her on my lips
and smell the absinthe.

There are so many things I long to say to you,
need to say to you,
but instead I whisper endlessly to empty walls and ghosts.
Sometimes it feels like I will never breathe again.

I never knew I needed you
until you left me alone,
abandoned me out in the cold with my heart in my hands in pieces.
I don't know how to live without you.
Feels like I never will.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.

Learning to Move On

Some days there is not much to say.
My heart is full of sounds for which there are no words.
I can feel the lines around my eyes
and I say to myself,
Baby girl, why are you so stressed out?
I do not have an answer.

This town is not the same without you,
It has lost its color,
It's vibrant appeal.
I am left to pioneer its streets alone.
I never expected not to know you,
never expected across the street
could be so far away.

All the things we felt and did and said
lost forever in obscurity.
Did I mean anything to you?
Did I dream it all and wake to an alternate reality
where I am the sole protagonist in a story I thought was ours?
Perhaps I'll never know.
Perhaps in time my heart will find the words
to tell you how I feel.
It will not make a difference.

In time my body will learn to move
through the gelatin created by the pain in my soul.
My heart will not be so heavy,
my eyes will smile along with my mouth,
My meaning will come easier,
But I will not know your name.

Soul Movement

If there is no art is your soul
then I do not dare to know you.
I do not dare to speak your name
for my lips may lose their meaning.
I do not dare to touch your skin
for my fingers may lose feeling.
I do not dare look into your eyes
for mine may stop crying.
I do not dare I do not dare
You may take something from me.
There is no life but this
there is nothing we can do
Save each other from the wreckage
of a thousand aimless ships
and hold on to our truth.

I will only speak to you
in a language you cannot understand
and you will know my meaning still
through the movement of my passions.
There is no other life but this
there is no point in trying
If there is no art for you
then there is nothing. 

Ode

You are my safe place.
You are my solace in the rain.
You are always there when I need you,
and you never speak ill of me.
You never pass judgment,
or hurt my feelings.

You are warm when it's cold out,
and cool when it's hot.
You are soft where you should be,
and hard where you're not.
You comfort me in times of sorrow,
and bring joy it times of sun.

You can go anywhere I need to be,
and never put up a fuss.
You always hold my purse for me,
and make my friends feel welcome.
I can lean on you anytime I need,
come rain, or sleet, or snowstorm.

You are the strong, silent type,
but often whisper softly.
I love everything about you,
and know you'll always protect me.
You are everything a man should be,
My beautiful King Ranch F-150.

Late

I may be in possession
of something that is half yours
and you have changed your mind.
Your feelings for me have gone
out the window like so must dust in the wind
You are not the man I thought you were
and I am broken in two
crushed by the weight of your indifference
there is no greater pain than this
abandonment in a most offensive manner
I am not well
you tell me
I am all kinds of things
But it is you, you say, not me.

You do not know me, yet
you peer into my soul
and find all the cracks you cannot live with
and spell each one out as if I were not already aware.
You are the cruelest of men
and I a fool for trusting your pretty words.
I did not pretend when I met you
to be something I was not
I do not pretend still
And it makes no difference.

You have abused the most sacred of places
found all my deepest wounds
and poured salt into them
and I will never forgive you for it
In time I may learn to forgive myself
and in that I will find solace.

Lying in Wait

Sometimes emotion can be paralyzing
frog stomps and weeds
in the backyard bushes
breezes blow through the rafters
in the attic of a mind long forgotten
a heart in constant pain
can never heal
Fuck you too
In all your high and mighty
all your pretty words
that add up to nothing
you speak and I do not hear
there is no meaning in the rhythm of your soul
I have shut you out.

All a bunch of dancing phonies
ripping beautiful things apart
with your unworthy hands
out of jealousy
or spite
or simply because you do not know
what you do
You're all stupid creatures
Stupid in your mistreatment of your fellow man
Do not breathe on me
or taint me with your air
I do not want to be like you.

One Chance

The world, as we know it, is drab
cloaked in grey
and beige
a sepia tone of what could be
lost of vibrant waves of love
and change
and passion
and soul
Killed off by the need for political correctness
and prudent ways
starved for romance
and joy
In the name of social restraint
keeping your cool
is not the solution
to keeping your soul alive.

Do you dare
to follow your heart
into an uncertain future?
I'd like to meet the man
who knows
exactly where his life will go
every step of the way.
Our footing is never guaranteed
We are never promised anything
Life can cease
without a moment's notice
and never a day too soon.

Our only choice is technicolor dreams
and actions filled with the flavor of our soul
there is no other way
Do you dare to live out loud?

Homeless Buddha

What would you do
if the world turned its back on you
overnight?

If you had the eyes of Buddha
but no one saw
because you wore the rags
of a homeless man?

Walking down 5th Avenue
Among shiny windows and palm trees
without a care in the world
Smelling of dirty sidewalk.
We should all learn from him
See the beatitude in his smile
the gentile manner of his calm demeanor.

What have we to complain about?
We have the reins in our own hands
we have the world at our feet
possibilities spread out before us like paint samples
There for the taking
if we want them.
This man has nothing
save the tattered clothes on his back
and still he smiles
and we do not.

He can look into the eyes of a stranger
and offer recognition
in passing
and we turn away as if we do not see each other.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

San Diego Midnight

The midnight air whispers smooth against her skin
light sky from the big ball moon
palms outlined in glorious splendor
their soft rustling the soundtrack for the evening
Her window panes the setting for the play.

On the stage of her mind the memories of a thousand lovers
all long gone but not moved on
Never lost or alone
Never without desire
The stillness surrounding her soul like a soft blanket
it will all be alright
it will all be alright.

For now take comfort in her wine
Knowing that there is no love like the love of one's self
The palms whisper their confirmation in her ear
Just audible through the open window
curling round her like the tendrils of her hair
comforting her heart to silence
be still now my love
There is somewhere to go from here.