San Diego Dreaming

The palms are lazy to the fact that inside the buildings there are people living, and working, and dreaming who don't see them, nor are aware of their being.

No one should stress in Southern California.
The beaches are ready and waiting to absorb your stories and tell you theirs.
The air is warm but sometimes dry.
Sometimes it's so dry that newspapers curl up at the corners and it hurts to breathe.
Santa Ana winds are no joke, ask Joan Didion.

On every corner is fruit, or coffee, or alcohol, or Mexican roadside tacos.
Suntans and painted toes rules the sidewalks.
Gyms and Wellness Centers and Yoga Studios run the streets and glitter in the ever present sunlight.
Cars never die because they do not rust,
rather the roads beat them to pieces
and the gas prices keep their tanks low.

We are all fighting for the same jobs,
jobs that pay us like the cost of living is low
and treat us like we can be bought and sold.
Some of us choose to surf instead
or start our own consulting service or operate a Food Truck.
Some of us live on orange juice and smiles.

We all come here with big dreams seem to grow stagnant in the sun.
Or maybe we were born here and simply never left.
We get caught up in traffic and happy hour martinis and organic foods and living expenses
and forget to open up our eyes, enjoy the Palms lining the streets, and just breathe.
We are San Diego.

Halloween

Taking some time to reflect on the events that took place this time last year, Halloween night to be specific, and the events that followed thereafter. If you are not privy to the inside details of said events, I'll summarize: a brief but amazing whirlwind of love and lust and joy followed by an incredible and unwarranted heartbreak.

It's amazing how even the things that seem irreparable are eventually buried into the past with all the other things, and with enough time a great enough distance is put between you and them that is impossible for the pain to reach through.  Still, looking back, it feels like you should feel something, it feels important to acknowledge that you should feel something, even if only to realize that you are, in fact, still alive.

I am continuously reminded that all of life is just that: life. It is beautiful, and messy, and weird, and hard, and inspiring, and amazing, and fun, and, with any luck, bizarre. It's all a piece of the journey, another page in the book that may or may not be important to moving the plot along.  Never take anything too seriously or too lightly, but rather accept everything for what it is, even if you may not know what it is at the time.  Some things we never learn the reason behind. That's okay.

Looking back, I am glad to be where I am, and grateful for all the things.

Happy Halloween!

Dust

Sometimes I feel I am getting left behind.
This world moves much too fast.
The days bleed together like a mess of melted crayons.
I am still on the previous page
and a new chapter is already beginning.

All my efforts turn to dust
While those who have hurt me find their place.
They find salvation and I am left with nothing
only a fistful of broken dreams and battered memories.
When will it be my turn?

I have tried too hard and cried too much
and still it is not over.
Why should they be rewarded for what they've done?
While I am left here wanting,
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Sometimes this life is just too much
I cannot feel anything anymore
I cannot pretend to be happy if this smile feels so false
I have nothing to give you, so stop asking.
One day there will be sunshine
but today there is only dust.

Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

Heart & Soul

My Soul is filled with wandering blood lust
I knew I should have never let you go
Who were you when I was looking for gold?
Found the rainbow but no magic.

It hurts to breathe in this place
My heart is dying living in this life
We all need more attention.
I'm sorry I never showed you how I felt.

Foothills in the distance scream of forgotten adventure
This is not what it was suppose to be.
How can I possibly survive here?
I think I'll need another drink.

Please tell me it's not too late, that it's not all gone to the wayside
Please tell me there will be more if I wake up tomorrow
I'll be a good girl, I promise
Although probably not.

My soul is dying in this place
Paralyzed by stagnant inefficiency
This is not what it was suppose to be
My heart bleeds for something more.
Please tell me there will be more.
There must be something more.

Haunting in an L.A. Hotel

This hotel is old, and it creaks at night.
There is a hole in the wall by the window
letting in a draft.
The L.A. air as tainted as my soul.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.
Sometimes the living are more haunting than the dead.

You should be here
you would love it in the morning light.
I can almost feel you next to me,
crumpling the sheets beside me
but you are miles away.

Her perfume lingers in the bathroom
alongside the ruffled towels
and cheap hotel soaps.
I can still taste her on my lips
and smell the absinthe.

There are so many things I long to say to you,
need to say to you,
but instead I whisper endlessly to empty walls and ghosts.
Sometimes it feels like I will never breathe again.

I never knew I needed you
until you left me alone,
abandoned me out in the cold with my heart in my hands in pieces.
I don't know how to live without you.
Feels like I never will.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.

Learning to Move On

Some days there is not much to say.
My heart is full of sounds for which there are no words.
I can feel the lines around my eyes
and I say to myself,
Baby girl, why are you so stressed out?
I do not have an answer.

This town is not the same without you,
It has lost its color,
It's vibrant appeal.
I am left to pioneer its streets alone.
I never expected not to know you,
never expected across the street
could be so far away.

All the things we felt and did and said
lost forever in obscurity.
Did I mean anything to you?
Did I dream it all and wake to an alternate reality
where I am the sole protagonist in a story I thought was ours?
Perhaps I'll never know.
Perhaps in time my heart will find the words
to tell you how I feel.
It will not make a difference.

In time my body will learn to move
through the gelatin created by the pain in my soul.
My heart will not be so heavy,
my eyes will smile along with my mouth,
My meaning will come easier,
But I will not know your name.

Soul Movement

If there is no art is your soul
then I do not dare to know you.
I do not dare to speak your name
for my lips may lose their meaning.
I do not dare to touch your skin
for my fingers may lose feeling.
I do not dare look into your eyes
for mine may stop crying.
I do not dare I do not dare
You may take something from me.
There is no life but this
there is nothing we can do
Save each other from the wreckage
of a thousand aimless ships
and hold on to our truth.

I will only speak to you
in a language you cannot understand
and you will know my meaning still
through the movement of my passions.
There is no other life but this
there is no point in trying
If there is no art for you
then there is nothing. 

(Not so) Brief Update

I am writing today from my new home, in beautiful, sunny San Diego, California.  The last few months have been a whirlwind for me.  Here's a brief summary:

About a week before Christmas I decided to fly home to the San Francisco Bay Area to be with my family.  For those that don't know, I was living near Boston, MA at the time.  This trip was last minute, on a whim, and originally planned to be about a week.

I had $100 to my name, but figured it would be better to be broke with my family in California than broke and alone in New England. So onto the plane I went.

Whilst in California, I got an opportunity to do some contract work and make a little money.  WooHoo!  So I stayed.

Once I realized I might be in the Golden State for a few weeks, I organized a trip to Southern California to do some artistic modeling work.  I had a great time in Venice Beach, Santa Monica, and downtown Los Angeles.  After a few days, I took a jaunt down to San Diego, which was meant to be for a weekend and (noticing a theme here?) turned into two weeks.  I loved San Diego; I felt at peace for the first time in a long time, and thus decided to stay.  Which meant driving back up to the SF Bay Area, and then flying back to Boston to pack up, give away, or sell the 3-bedroom apartment's worth of stuff I had laying in wait back in the North East. 

I won't bore you with the details of that, except to say it's been quite a journey.  I rented a U-Haul trailer, loaded up what remained of my stuff, including my two lovely cats, and on Sunday, February 26, 2012 at around 2:00 p.m. set out on what would be a 5 day drive to Southern California. 

My chosen route took me through CT, NY, NJ, and into PA to connect with I-81 South through MD, WV, and Virginia. Then onto I-40 West through Tennessee and into Arkansas, where I connected to I-30 West through Dallas, TX, which turns into I-20 through west Texas, then connects to I-10 through El Paso.  I stayed on I-10 West through New Mexico, into Arizona, then transferred to I-8 West, passing through Yuma, crossing the state line into California and FINALLY landing in San Diego at the end of the 5th day.  I chose to stop at night to give myself and the cats a rest.  I also picked up a hitchhiker in Tennessee (pictured below), who was stuck in the sewer at a rest stop along I-40.  I am glad to say she is happy and healthy, and has integrated well into my clan.

Now, U-Haul unpacked and returned, and beautiful vintage Spanish-style apartment slowly coming together, here I sit, enjoying the sunshine and lovely people of Southern California, and busting my bum to find a job.  I am looking for work as a technical writer, marketing communications specialist, business analyst, or creative writer/editor for newspaper or other publication.  If anyone has any job leads in or near San Diego, I'm all ears.

Until next time, thanks for stopping by!