Office

I knew things were going downhill when they painted the walls gray,
ripped out the carpet
and replaced it with something that looks like it belongs on the seat backs of a greyhound bus.
Remodeling, they called it.
Improvements.
Doesn't it look great?
Gray walls.
Gray cubes.
Gray carpet.
Gray
Everywhere you look.
And this is supposed to boost morale?
But don't spill anything on it
or put your feet on the freshly painted walls.
They remind us to smile when we're on the phones.
"When you're smiling people can tell that you enjoy the work you do."
When you're smiling people can't feel the pain in your soul.
Smile so they know you're happy.
Smile even if you don't feel like it.
"Keep a beautiful picture of a child by the phone - any child will do."
If you don't have a child you can borrow someone else's.
And pin it on your gray cube.
Also pin the propaganda reminding you to smile
so that Leader knows he's in control.
Smile and they'll never know how much you hate this.
How you can't wait to leave.
How you joke that they have turned the building into a prison,
even more so than it was before,
no windows,
no airflow,
no sunshine,
and now gray walls,
A joke that was funny only it doesn't feel like a joke anymore.
How do I get out of here?
Help me.
But don't forget to smile.

Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

And then ...

I have officially resigned from my job.  It feels really great to say that.

Thus far, I have rearranged all of the furniture in my apartment, stacked up all my mail into one big pile that I tell myself I will sort through and throw away, but is instead serving as a source of endless amusement for the cat, and gone on several walks. 

I have also made a ton of awesome food, and some not-so-awesome-but-good-experiment dishes.  For example, today I made gluten-free & dairy-free chocolate pancakes.  I used Bob's Red Mills gluten-free all purpose baking flour, which was great for the fried chicken nuggets I made a few nights ago, but not so much for the pancakes.  See, this flour mix is primarily garbanzo bean flour & fava bean flour, so that bean flavor that was hidden by the frying process for the chicken overwhelmed the pancakes.  I will try again with a different blend soon.

Yesterday for lunch, I made a Jennie-O turkey burger topped with sauteed jalapenos and red onion, which were blended with curry spice, mustard powder, red pepper, a hint of garlic powder, and brown sugar.  WOW.  It was so good it felt like I should pull the curtains closed so the neighbors wouldn't see.  That one is definitely going into the make-again pile.

So, not necessarily on plan with the writing/ freelance process, but I've got a few things I'm working up to.  I am planning to lock myself in my office without food or water until I produce something interesting.  Or die trying.  Once a procrastinator always a procrastinator.

Anyway, my time on the library computer is almost up (shiny new laptop on the way).  Until next time ...

Feedback is always welcome.
Thanks for stopping by!

Let's Get Started

Welcome to my blog!

I'm not yet sure what I will be doing with this, but I figured it's damn well time I started it.

For those who know me, this next part will come as no surprise.

15 days after I turned 27 I woke up and realized that I needed to change my lifestyle, and by change my lifestyle I mean quit my job.  I needed to find a way to make a living creatively, and not be at the mercy of a corporate job with strict corporate rules.

Yes, having a 401K, health insurance, and a steady paycheck is nice, but I haven't written anything other than corporate-voiced emails in about a year.  Virginia Woolf said that in order to write, a woman must have a room of her own.  The part she didn't mention, however, was time.  In order to write, a woman (or man, but we're talking about me here) must have time to write.  This is a concept I have been working over for some time now.

In order to be creative, one must have time to create.

I've realized that it's time to start creating a life for myself that suits me.  That is never going to happen if I am plugging 40 hours a week into a job that I hate.  I'm not getting any younger, and conventional life doesn't make me happy.

What am I going to do instead?  I'm going to write.  And paint.  And maybe some other things.

How am I going to make a living?  I have no idea.  I'll figure that part out as I go.

I am intending this blog to be a creative outlet.  I am curious to see what it turns out to be.

Feedback is always welcome.
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