Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

Heart & Soul

My Soul is filled with wandering blood lust
I knew I should have never let you go
Who were you when I was looking for gold?
Found the rainbow but no magic.

It hurts to breathe in this place
My heart is dying living in this life
We all need more attention.
I'm sorry I never showed you how I felt.

Foothills in the distance scream of forgotten adventure
This is not what it was suppose to be.
How can I possibly survive here?
I think I'll need another drink.

Please tell me it's not too late, that it's not all gone to the wayside
Please tell me there will be more if I wake up tomorrow
I'll be a good girl, I promise
Although probably not.

My soul is dying in this place
Paralyzed by stagnant inefficiency
This is not what it was suppose to be
My heart bleeds for something more.
Please tell me there will be more.
There must be something more.

Time Marches On

I have lived a thousand years in this life
And it's all gone by in a blink.
I looked away for a moment and 10 years passed
sneaky devils they are.

Every moment a lifetime,
Every lifetime a moment
Where will it go from here?
On what vast plain will these faded moments land?
What is to become of all our blood and sweat and tears?

A thousand years of story in one withered page.
A single note for a symphony.
A life flying by without recourse or conviction.
All of this is part of it.
None of it means anything.

Days I'll never get back.
Where will the next page take us?
One drop of water filling a single cup.
A waterfall is not enough.
None of it is ever enough.
It is all too much.
We cannot hold all the burdens of our lives.

Where have we gone my friends?
Our youth and soul and future all blending into one inconceivable mess.
When will we meet again?
We had such high hopes when we set out on this road
before us long and without end.
The sun is hot and fades our colors out.

We will never know if any of this has meaning.
we will never get it back.
Time will break us down into a scrap book of moments.
Where will it go from here?
Where will it end?

Ode to the ones I meet in a Bar

Hanging on
to the edge of the world
by the blade of steel
you say is bad for me
you say, don't do that honey,
don't.

You will never feel as real
as the shit I put up my nose
when I was fifteen
and didn't know the world
the way I know it now
it will never get any more true
for me.
It will never get any deeper.

You are just a byproduct
of my pain
of everything that came before you
and will continue to leak
into my heart
and poison my soul with blackness
damn you
Leave me alone.

In this moment there is something golden,
something tried and true.
I will always stand guard against my heart
For the one I wish to occupy it's chambers
is out on a mission alone.
I will always love you.
Goodnight my darling
god speed.

For you.

Encounters with Strangers

Motorcycles in the night
and perfume that doesn't smell like mine
Who would have figured
drinking to excess
and random men
wouldn't make me feel better
fuck you all.

He told me I looked like an Irish girl,
with my eyes and curls,
who had lost her freckles
and swam a thousand miles
to get them back
how sweet.

There is never enough
at the end of the night.
it doesn't seem right,
and you are not the one.
In fact, you are just hurting me
Please stop.
There is a lot to tread carefully
don't tread on me.
I'm already broken.

This will never end. 

Haunting in an L.A. Hotel

This hotel is old, and it creaks at night.
There is a hole in the wall by the window
letting in a draft.
The L.A. air as tainted as my soul.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.
Sometimes the living are more haunting than the dead.

You should be here
you would love it in the morning light.
I can almost feel you next to me,
crumpling the sheets beside me
but you are miles away.

Her perfume lingers in the bathroom
alongside the ruffled towels
and cheap hotel soaps.
I can still taste her on my lips
and smell the absinthe.

There are so many things I long to say to you,
need to say to you,
but instead I whisper endlessly to empty walls and ghosts.
Sometimes it feels like I will never breathe again.

I never knew I needed you
until you left me alone,
abandoned me out in the cold with my heart in my hands in pieces.
I don't know how to live without you.
Feels like I never will.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.

Learning to Move On

Some days there is not much to say.
My heart is full of sounds for which there are no words.
I can feel the lines around my eyes
and I say to myself,
Baby girl, why are you so stressed out?
I do not have an answer.

This town is not the same without you,
It has lost its color,
It's vibrant appeal.
I am left to pioneer its streets alone.
I never expected not to know you,
never expected across the street
could be so far away.

All the things we felt and did and said
lost forever in obscurity.
Did I mean anything to you?
Did I dream it all and wake to an alternate reality
where I am the sole protagonist in a story I thought was ours?
Perhaps I'll never know.
Perhaps in time my heart will find the words
to tell you how I feel.
It will not make a difference.

In time my body will learn to move
through the gelatin created by the pain in my soul.
My heart will not be so heavy,
my eyes will smile along with my mouth,
My meaning will come easier,
But I will not know your name.