Ode to the ones I meet in a Bar

Hanging on
to the edge of the world
by the blade of steel
you say is bad for me
you say, don't do that honey,
don't.

You will never feel as real
as the shit I put up my nose
when I was fifteen
and didn't know the world
the way I know it now
it will never get any more true
for me.
It will never get any deeper.

You are just a byproduct
of my pain
of everything that came before you
and will continue to leak
into my heart
and poison my soul with blackness
damn you
Leave me alone.

In this moment there is something golden,
something tried and true.
I will always stand guard against my heart
For the one I wish to occupy it's chambers
is out on a mission alone.
I will always love you.
Goodnight my darling
god speed.

For you.

Encounters with Strangers

Motorcycles in the night
and perfume that doesn't smell like mine
Who would have figured
drinking to excess
and random men
wouldn't make me feel better
fuck you all.

He told me I looked like an Irish girl,
with my eyes and curls,
who had lost her freckles
and swam a thousand miles
to get them back
how sweet.

There is never enough
at the end of the night.
it doesn't seem right,
and you are not the one.
In fact, you are just hurting me
Please stop.
There is a lot to tread carefully
don't tread on me.
I'm already broken.

This will never end. 

Haunting in an L.A. Hotel

This hotel is old, and it creaks at night.
There is a hole in the wall by the window
letting in a draft.
The L.A. air as tainted as my soul.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.
Sometimes the living are more haunting than the dead.

You should be here
you would love it in the morning light.
I can almost feel you next to me,
crumpling the sheets beside me
but you are miles away.

Her perfume lingers in the bathroom
alongside the ruffled towels
and cheap hotel soaps.
I can still taste her on my lips
and smell the absinthe.

There are so many things I long to say to you,
need to say to you,
but instead I whisper endlessly to empty walls and ghosts.
Sometimes it feels like I will never breathe again.

I never knew I needed you
until you left me alone,
abandoned me out in the cold with my heart in my hands in pieces.
I don't know how to live without you.
Feels like I never will.

She says this place is haunted
and I believe her.

Learning to Move On

Some days there is not much to say.
My heart is full of sounds for which there are no words.
I can feel the lines around my eyes
and I say to myself,
Baby girl, why are you so stressed out?
I do not have an answer.

This town is not the same without you,
It has lost its color,
It's vibrant appeal.
I am left to pioneer its streets alone.
I never expected not to know you,
never expected across the street
could be so far away.

All the things we felt and did and said
lost forever in obscurity.
Did I mean anything to you?
Did I dream it all and wake to an alternate reality
where I am the sole protagonist in a story I thought was ours?
Perhaps I'll never know.
Perhaps in time my heart will find the words
to tell you how I feel.
It will not make a difference.

In time my body will learn to move
through the gelatin created by the pain in my soul.
My heart will not be so heavy,
my eyes will smile along with my mouth,
My meaning will come easier,
But I will not know your name.

Soul Movement

If there is no art is your soul
then I do not dare to know you.
I do not dare to speak your name
for my lips may lose their meaning.
I do not dare to touch your skin
for my fingers may lose feeling.
I do not dare look into your eyes
for mine may stop crying.
I do not dare I do not dare
You may take something from me.
There is no life but this
there is nothing we can do
Save each other from the wreckage
of a thousand aimless ships
and hold on to our truth.

I will only speak to you
in a language you cannot understand
and you will know my meaning still
through the movement of my passions.
There is no other life but this
there is no point in trying
If there is no art for you
then there is nothing. 

Ode

You are my safe place.
You are my solace in the rain.
You are always there when I need you,
and you never speak ill of me.
You never pass judgment,
or hurt my feelings.

You are warm when it's cold out,
and cool when it's hot.
You are soft where you should be,
and hard where you're not.
You comfort me in times of sorrow,
and bring joy it times of sun.

You can go anywhere I need to be,
and never put up a fuss.
You always hold my purse for me,
and make my friends feel welcome.
I can lean on you anytime I need,
come rain, or sleet, or snowstorm.

You are the strong, silent type,
but often whisper softly.
I love everything about you,
and know you'll always protect me.
You are everything a man should be,
My beautiful King Ranch F-150.

Late

I may be in possession
of something that is half yours
and you have changed your mind.
Your feelings for me have gone
out the window like so must dust in the wind
You are not the man I thought you were
and I am broken in two
crushed by the weight of your indifference
there is no greater pain than this
abandonment in a most offensive manner
I am not well
you tell me
I am all kinds of things
But it is you, you say, not me.

You do not know me, yet
you peer into my soul
and find all the cracks you cannot live with
and spell each one out as if I were not already aware.
You are the cruelest of men
and I a fool for trusting your pretty words.
I did not pretend when I met you
to be something I was not
I do not pretend still
And it makes no difference.

You have abused the most sacred of places
found all my deepest wounds
and poured salt into them
and I will never forgive you for it
In time I may learn to forgive myself
and in that I will find solace.

Lying in Wait

Sometimes emotion can be paralyzing
frog stomps and weeds
in the backyard bushes
breezes blow through the rafters
in the attic of a mind long forgotten
a heart in constant pain
can never heal
Fuck you too
In all your high and mighty
all your pretty words
that add up to nothing
you speak and I do not hear
there is no meaning in the rhythm of your soul
I have shut you out.

All a bunch of dancing phonies
ripping beautiful things apart
with your unworthy hands
out of jealousy
or spite
or simply because you do not know
what you do
You're all stupid creatures
Stupid in your mistreatment of your fellow man
Do not breathe on me
or taint me with your air
I do not want to be like you.

One Chance

The world, as we know it, is drab
cloaked in grey
and beige
a sepia tone of what could be
lost of vibrant waves of love
and change
and passion
and soul
Killed off by the need for political correctness
and prudent ways
starved for romance
and joy
In the name of social restraint
keeping your cool
is not the solution
to keeping your soul alive.

Do you dare
to follow your heart
into an uncertain future?
I'd like to meet the man
who knows
exactly where his life will go
every step of the way.
Our footing is never guaranteed
We are never promised anything
Life can cease
without a moment's notice
and never a day too soon.

Our only choice is technicolor dreams
and actions filled with the flavor of our soul
there is no other way
Do you dare to live out loud?

Homeless Buddha

What would you do
if the world turned its back on you
overnight?

If you had the eyes of Buddha
but no one saw
because you wore the rags
of a homeless man?

Walking down 5th Avenue
Among shiny windows and palm trees
without a care in the world
Smelling of dirty sidewalk.
We should all learn from him
See the beatitude in his smile
the gentile manner of his calm demeanor.

What have we to complain about?
We have the reins in our own hands
we have the world at our feet
possibilities spread out before us like paint samples
There for the taking
if we want them.
This man has nothing
save the tattered clothes on his back
and still he smiles
and we do not.

He can look into the eyes of a stranger
and offer recognition
in passing
and we turn away as if we do not see each other.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

San Diego Midnight

The midnight air whispers smooth against her skin
light sky from the big ball moon
palms outlined in glorious splendor
their soft rustling the soundtrack for the evening
Her window panes the setting for the play.

On the stage of her mind the memories of a thousand lovers
all long gone but not moved on
Never lost or alone
Never without desire
The stillness surrounding her soul like a soft blanket
it will all be alright
it will all be alright.

For now take comfort in her wine
Knowing that there is no love like the love of one's self
The palms whisper their confirmation in her ear
Just audible through the open window
curling round her like the tendrils of her hair
comforting her heart to silence
be still now my love
There is somewhere to go from here.

Morning

I dream a dream of lucid sleep
and wake to white walls, and ceiling.
I am still here.
This is me.
This is my life, and I am alone in it.

I am the only one who knows
the rivers running through my soul,
the gatekeeper to a heart
once or twice beaten down.
Too quickly have I shared the key.
Too quickly cast open the iron
to expose my mortal weakness.
Too quickly I have failed to see the problem.

The Palm tress out my window know I sleep alone,
awaking often in the night
to find nothing has changed.
A thousand angry words screamed in silence in my mind.
Some things are better left unsaid.

Untitled Poem

The dark and stormy night was her favorite part.
She stood in the rain like it was her job

In 4 inch platform heels.

Laughter echoed in her ears, but not her heart.
They never could reach her like they'd hoped.
She was a clever girl, 

full of life and love for all who graced her bedroom.
Long walks on the shoreline in October did her good.
She loved the beach at night.
Would sink her toes into the cold sand in the darkness,
entering the blackness as a friend.
She used to know so many things
Long forgotten from lack of use, or something.

She was so beautiful
We'll never have the answer to her soul.

(Not so) Brief Update

I am writing today from my new home, in beautiful, sunny San Diego, California.  The last few months have been a whirlwind for me.  Here's a brief summary:

About a week before Christmas I decided to fly home to the San Francisco Bay Area to be with my family.  For those that don't know, I was living near Boston, MA at the time.  This trip was last minute, on a whim, and originally planned to be about a week.

I had $100 to my name, but figured it would be better to be broke with my family in California than broke and alone in New England. So onto the plane I went.

Whilst in California, I got an opportunity to do some contract work and make a little money.  WooHoo!  So I stayed.

Once I realized I might be in the Golden State for a few weeks, I organized a trip to Southern California to do some artistic modeling work.  I had a great time in Venice Beach, Santa Monica, and downtown Los Angeles.  After a few days, I took a jaunt down to San Diego, which was meant to be for a weekend and (noticing a theme here?) turned into two weeks.  I loved San Diego; I felt at peace for the first time in a long time, and thus decided to stay.  Which meant driving back up to the SF Bay Area, and then flying back to Boston to pack up, give away, or sell the 3-bedroom apartment's worth of stuff I had laying in wait back in the North East. 

I won't bore you with the details of that, except to say it's been quite a journey.  I rented a U-Haul trailer, loaded up what remained of my stuff, including my two lovely cats, and on Sunday, February 26, 2012 at around 2:00 p.m. set out on what would be a 5 day drive to Southern California. 

My chosen route took me through CT, NY, NJ, and into PA to connect with I-81 South through MD, WV, and Virginia. Then onto I-40 West through Tennessee and into Arkansas, where I connected to I-30 West through Dallas, TX, which turns into I-20 through west Texas, then connects to I-10 through El Paso.  I stayed on I-10 West through New Mexico, into Arizona, then transferred to I-8 West, passing through Yuma, crossing the state line into California and FINALLY landing in San Diego at the end of the 5th day.  I chose to stop at night to give myself and the cats a rest.  I also picked up a hitchhiker in Tennessee (pictured below), who was stuck in the sewer at a rest stop along I-40.  I am glad to say she is happy and healthy, and has integrated well into my clan.

Now, U-Haul unpacked and returned, and beautiful vintage Spanish-style apartment slowly coming together, here I sit, enjoying the sunshine and lovely people of Southern California, and busting my bum to find a job.  I am looking for work as a technical writer, marketing communications specialist, business analyst, or creative writer/editor for newspaper or other publication.  If anyone has any job leads in or near San Diego, I'm all ears.

Until next time, thanks for stopping by!

Airplane Poem

The window panes speak of stormy nights
the rains coming from within.

The burden of the wind proves too much
and all is shattered.
Broken dreams underfoot
Step lightly now,
mind the glass,
Worry not about the blood -
It will vanish in time.

Anna thought she would find love in that field
what she got was less
a pair of arms
with nothing between them.

There is a firefly on the horizon
it burns for you
Do you see it?