Nostalgic

I have had so many different lives in this life. So many pockets of invention and reinvention, lined with beautiful, bitter-sweet memories.

I have loved them all, and often miss the people and places and different versions of me.

The life I miss the most is the 2-year pocket in Kansas. I was 17, and my life was just beginning (although I didn't know it at the time). So much laughter and joy and innocent (and not-so-innocent) fun was had in college dorm-rooms and back country farm roads. 

Even though I was struggling a lot at the time to balance my emotions and survive the growing pains of self discovery, I often look back at that time as ideal. I never knew how much those dusty flatlands would take hold of my soul.

There is a version of me somewhere out there, dancing in the fields. If you see her be sure to say hi.

Dust

Sometimes I feel I am getting left behind.
This world moves much too fast.
The days bleed together like a mess of melted crayons.
I am still on the previous page
and a new chapter is already beginning.

All my efforts turn to dust
While those who have hurt me find their place.
They find salvation and I am left with nothing
only a fistful of broken dreams and battered memories.
When will it be my turn?

I have tried too hard and cried too much
and still it is not over.
Why should they be rewarded for what they've done?
While I am left here wanting,
Wondering what I've done wrong.

Sometimes this life is just too much
I cannot feel anything anymore
I cannot pretend to be happy if this smile feels so false
I have nothing to give you, so stop asking.
One day there will be sunshine
but today there is only dust.

Stagnant

I breathe in and am not fulfilled
The air is thick and stained with disappointment
My voice is weak and cracks from lack of use.
Can you hear me?
I'm not sure I know what to say.

My feet have not moved in so long they are starting to grow roots
but the ground I stand upon unstable.
I am paralyzed by painful mediocrity.
For an artist it is never enough.

One of these days I will leave here.
I cannot condone this existence.
I cannot keep this atrocious smile on my face
What happens when there is no more energy left to care?
They say this place is not so bad
But it's beginning to feel like hell.

This life is beautiful, but without meaning
There must be something more to say.
Waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away
It is time for the cards to fall
to find out what we're really made of.
I cannot breathe here anymore
I cannot tell you how I feel
I cannot feed my soul with cardboard.
But I cannot walk away.

Heart & Soul

My Soul is filled with wandering blood lust
I knew I should have never let you go
Who were you when I was looking for gold?
Found the rainbow but no magic.

It hurts to breathe in this place
My heart is dying living in this life
We all need more attention.
I'm sorry I never showed you how I felt.

Foothills in the distance scream of forgotten adventure
This is not what it was suppose to be.
How can I possibly survive here?
I think I'll need another drink.

Please tell me it's not too late, that it's not all gone to the wayside
Please tell me there will be more if I wake up tomorrow
I'll be a good girl, I promise
Although probably not.

My soul is dying in this place
Paralyzed by stagnant inefficiency
This is not what it was suppose to be
My heart bleeds for something more.
Please tell me there will be more.
There must be something more.

Time Marches On

I have lived a thousand years in this life
And it's all gone by in a blink.
I looked away for a moment and 10 years passed
sneaky devils they are.

Every moment a lifetime,
Every lifetime a moment
Where will it go from here?
On what vast plain will these faded moments land?
What is to become of all our blood and sweat and tears?

A thousand years of story in one withered page.
A single note for a symphony.
A life flying by without recourse or conviction.
All of this is part of it.
None of it means anything.

Days I'll never get back.
Where will the next page take us?
One drop of water filling a single cup.
A waterfall is not enough.
None of it is ever enough.
It is all too much.
We cannot hold all the burdens of our lives.

Where have we gone my friends?
Our youth and soul and future all blending into one inconceivable mess.
When will we meet again?
We had such high hopes when we set out on this road
before us long and without end.
The sun is hot and fades our colors out.

We will never know if any of this has meaning.
we will never get it back.
Time will break us down into a scrap book of moments.
Where will it go from here?
Where will it end?

Ode to the ones I meet in a Bar

Hanging on
to the edge of the world
by the blade of steel
you say is bad for me
you say, don't do that honey,
don't.

You will never feel as real
as the shit I put up my nose
when I was fifteen
and didn't know the world
the way I know it now
it will never get any more true
for me.
It will never get any deeper.

You are just a byproduct
of my pain
of everything that came before you
and will continue to leak
into my heart
and poison my soul with blackness
damn you
Leave me alone.

In this moment there is something golden,
something tried and true.
I will always stand guard against my heart
For the one I wish to occupy it's chambers
is out on a mission alone.
I will always love you.
Goodnight my darling
god speed.

For you.

Encounters with Strangers

Motorcycles in the night
and perfume that doesn't smell like mine
Who would have figured
drinking to excess
and random men
wouldn't make me feel better
fuck you all.

He told me I looked like an Irish girl,
with my eyes and curls,
who had lost her freckles
and swam a thousand miles
to get them back
how sweet.

There is never enough
at the end of the night.
it doesn't seem right,
and you are not the one.
In fact, you are just hurting me
Please stop.
There is a lot to tread carefully
don't tread on me.
I'm already broken.

This will never end.